I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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