see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
