I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
