I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
