The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
