i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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