Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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