Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
