Who wears a wallet chain?!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
