I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
