Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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