i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
