The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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