then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
