Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
