if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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