ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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