I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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