Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
