The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
