Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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