I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
