the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
