I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
