I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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