I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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