I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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