I cut my penus on the lid.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
