So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
