Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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