Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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