Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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