We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
