maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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