Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
