You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
