Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
