i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize