I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
