He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
