PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
