I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
