Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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