He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
