Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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