Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
