roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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