so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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