make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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