JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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