What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
