it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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