the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
