i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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