Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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