What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
