i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
