I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
