I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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