I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize