What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
