Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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