Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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