I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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